Have you ever been in a conversation where it was obvious the other person couldn't wait for you to finish talking in order to say something? We all have I’m sure, and it’s not a great feeling.

You see, relationships are like lengthy conversations. There is a back-and-forth quality that needs to be there. If you focus only on what’s in it for you rather than what you can contribute, it’ll fall flat or end uncomfortably.

For any relationship to flourish and for personal growth to occur for both parties, you need to put some effort into understanding and meeting the other person’s wants and needs.

Often we hear what’s said, but we make sense of it from our own subjective reality. For example, the phrase, “I’ll call you soon,” may mean tomorrow for one person, but could mean sometime in the next month for another. People interpret their experiences differently and draw radically different conclusions from the same set of circumstances. It’s for this reason that misunderstandings and communication failures often spell doom for developing relationships and resentments for established ones.

Real success in life comes from the ability to understand differing perceptions and from understanding and accepting that others perceive the world differently than you do. It’s important to learn how to decipher the other person’s code and respond in kind.

First you need to be aware that not all people use the same code. Then, you have to be interested in learning what the other person’s code is. And finally, you‘ll want to practice using good communications skills – attentive listening, asking questions and checking for clarification.

TAKE ACTION:

Think about the last time you got into a disagreement with someone important to you. Did you feel heard? Were they (or maybe you) busy trying to make a point, or were they actively trying to listen to what you were saying?

Next time you catch yourself butting heads with someone, stop trying to make your case. Make a point of pulling back and actually hearing the other person’s point of view. Ask questions to help you get clear, stay engaged and then take your turn to share your point of view.

Stretching your understanding of different points of view is key to improving communication, limiting conflict with others, and building strong relationships. Limiting conflict with others will give you more time for constructive interaction, enjoyable relationships, and will decrease the stress in you life.

About the Author:

Gary Jordan, Ph.D., has over 27 years of experience in clinical psychology, behavioral assessment, individual development, and coaching. He earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology – Berkeley. He’s the co-founder of Vega Behavioral Consulting, Ltd., a consulting firm that specializes in helping people discover their true skills and talents. www.vrft.com

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